“Heather, Is That You?” Meth, Fentanyl, and Lies Land Ocklawaha Duo in Jail
Ocklawaha, FL – A routine patrol turned into a comedy of errors on October 29 when Marion County deputies arrested Jessica Birner, who tried to convince them she was someone else—until fingerprint scanning technology and her own confession got in the way.
The evening escapade unfolded near SE 95th Street Road, where deputies were tipped off that Birner, wanted for violating her probation on a Polk County methamphetamine charge, was cruising the streets in a blue Mitsubishi Lancer. Spotting the car at the Qwik King food store, officers swooped in, finding Birner riding shotgun and armed with a secret weapon: a fake identity.
“I’m Heather Cavanah,” she insisted, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. However, her lack of a matching photo ID and suspiciously inaccurate social security details caused some eyebrow-raising among deputies. When threatened with a fingerprint scan, Birner’s charade crumbled. “Fine,” she admitted, “I’m Jessica Birner. I just needed to pay my power bill.”
As the plot thickened, deputies also arrested the car’s driver, Gregory Fontenot, whose suspended license was as expired as Birner’s excuses. A search of the vehicle uncovered a brown purse loaded with more incriminating items than a late-night infomercial: 3.5 grams of meth, fentanyl powder, and Diazepam pills.
Fontenot told deputies the purse was Birner’s, revealing that when she saw the law tailing their car, she shoved “dope” into her pants, as if that might magically make it disappear.
After politely declining further conversation with deputies—even after a cozy recitation of her Miranda rights—Birner was whisked off to the Marion County Jail, where she’ll have plenty of time to reflect on the perils of poorly executed identity theft.
Her final lesson for the night? If you’re going to impersonate someone, maybe don’t pick a name with that many vowels.
